Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera