My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
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*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*
Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…
Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
he was correct
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Passwords are more important than ever.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.