my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Employees must applaud the planets.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
