my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
craving $300 all of a sudden
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
