my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
