my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
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Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
This meal prepping shit easy
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.