Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

I feel it

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.