My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
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As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome