Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

A Short Story.

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx