My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
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my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step