My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
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RT if you could go either way.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace