My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
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People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
are there any atheist mantises?