My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
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[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Sounds like a bargain
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11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.