My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker