My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Wake me when AI does housework
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
this is the kind of friend i am
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.