Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

Twitter is the new flypaper.

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN