Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”

But, why sir?

Chef: yes

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming