My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
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Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Happy weekend !
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok