My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
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My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.