My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
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toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?