My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
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(Electricians.)
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Me trying to walk in a dream
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!