my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
same bro
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.