Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmbo

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

Thank you for sharing that story with us, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go boil my soul.

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

they see me scrollin

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

👍

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing