my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
The little toadstool has spoken.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids