my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
You Might Also Like
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
mandolin: finally a violin for men
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Time for evil
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud