my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
You Might Also Like
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way