my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
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If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.
Cat: *knocks my drink off table*
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.