my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
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Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.