my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
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Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
🔥🔥
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.