Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is my bus stop.

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.