Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.