My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
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Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them