My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
You Might Also Like
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
#SaturdayBears
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic