My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
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Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
