My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
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Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.