My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
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I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
the Monday after daylight savings
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
he chose this
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫