*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.