*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Can’t. Being lazy.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….