*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
me watching my own Instagram story
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.