My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
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I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
*watches the world burn*
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
“What movie?” 🤔
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂