My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
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My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Worlds greatest photobomb
Why font matters.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
How about daylight saves us for once
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…