My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
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I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
As per my last nervous breakdown
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
handsome & gretel
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.