My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
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Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
good work, everybody
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other