My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
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Message from the dog groomers
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.