Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”