My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
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A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.