My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
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Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?