Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?