Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?