My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
You Might Also Like
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
