5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
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Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”