My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
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Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
How do you milk an almond?
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.