my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
You Might Also Like
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Thursday
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now