Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

#parenting

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

[shakes fist at other fist]

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

What’s this sorcery? 😂

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit