My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
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Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Lmfao
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
How high do the levels go?
