My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
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I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.