My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
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*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine