My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
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Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
That’s incredible! 👌
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out