My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
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favorite tropes as memes
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.