My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
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Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.