My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.