My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
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More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I have a new favorite meme page
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes