My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
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Just say no
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Pringles
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍