My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
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{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
If only.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
