My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store