Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

Europe. Made in Germany.

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

concern

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening