My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
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ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”