Manager: Your fired
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
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I LOVE THE IDEA OF BOWSER LOVINGLY FOLDING A FLYING RACCOON SUIT AND PUTTING IT IN A TREASURE CHEST FOR ME TO FIND IN HIS DUNGEON.
[dogs around campfire]
*flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time
911 what is your emergency?
Me: “My 6 year old hasn’t stopped talking since he got home”
911: “stay calm ma..
Me: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Her. “Shall we carve our names onto this tree”
Me. “You brought a knife?”
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea