my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
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beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?