my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
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Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah