“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
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[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.