Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

HR said no more nunchucks.

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

do horses think humans are hats

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”