My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
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my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I think this cat is broken
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me