My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
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all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*