Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working