My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.