Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

Mood.. 😂

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit