Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cause of death: Zumba

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

“HELP WITH CAT”

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now