My diet starts in January
of 2027
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[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
had to share :’)
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?