My diet starts in January
of 2027
You Might Also Like
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
i made a craigslist ad !
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.