My diet starts in January
of 2027
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I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.