my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
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Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
noooooo don’t hurt yourself
let me do it
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I beg you to euthanise me
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.