my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
You Might Also Like
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling