My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
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I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?